maybe

maybe i'm tired of being a responsible, balanced, reasonable person.

today it was stronger

That urge to get out, today it was worse. I wanted to just walk off campus, into an airport, and onto a plane. Then I wanted to land somewhere, preferably somewhere with mild weather, and walk out of my body and into a new one.

Today, in my business writing class, which I hate, my professor reminded us of our assignment to find someone in a job we hope to one day have, and interview them. I stayed after class to ask him what to do if you have no idea what you want to do, because more and more, I'm realizing I really don't. He said, "Okay, what are you passionate about?" I said, "I don't know. I'm mediocre at a bunch of stuff and really good at nothing." He said, "I didn't ask what you were good at, I asked what you were passionate about." I told him I didn't know. I wasn't being difficult, I was being honest. He asked what I did on my off time. I said I liked to hang out with my friends. He asked what we did, I said we talked. He rattled off a couple of unappealing careers. He couldn't really come up with anything, told me to think about it and we'd talk again on Friday.

I went to the bathroom and cried. This is not anything new. This isn't something I haven't spent some serious time thinking about. I took a goddamn class on figuring out what you want to do with your life, and I'm still in this position. Lately, I've been thinking I'd be cool with working at a grocery store, honestly. Just scanning up groceries somewhere nice, like central or northern California, and then riding my bike, reading books, taking walks, hiking, going to the ocean when I'm off. That sounds divine.

I sort of feel like I don't really want people in my life. This is weird for me because for a while, my only passion I could identify was a passion for people, for loving them. I just feel I've been drained and now I don't know what to do with myself.

I certainly wouldn't quit school. I've only got the rest of this semester and one more year before graduation, and I'm in excellent academic standing. Though I have a feeling my 4.0 will wane this semester... I just can't bring myself to care as much anymore.

I had a passion for learning, before, but I finally broke down and started taking some "practical" classes (ie business classes) and I just can't give a fuck. I'm looking into study abroad next semester, but I have a feeling I'll be rejected as a senior. They'll likely tell me that I can't take the classes I need to graduate, while abroad.

I just feel horribly stuck.

Sometimes, I'll be sitting at my desk, reading random articles or checking my email, and just feel this intense need to get out. Like there is nothing more important than getting away from everyone I know and everything I know. It's not that I dislike my life, but I am admittedly bored.

It's my junior year in college and I'm realizing that I took too long to choose a major. In the beginning, it's that I thought everything would just "fall into place." I realize I'm far too idealistic for my own good, but it's one of those things you feel better off being even if it's not very practical. By sophomore year, I realized I needed to really start making decisions. And I tried. But goddamnit, I just couldn't come to any solid conclusions. I even took a class to figure out what I'd be good at, what would be my best fit. I finally decided on a major and felt confident in it, but recently I've been realizing it's not all I thought it'd be, but now, second semester of Junior year, I'm essentially stuck with it.

I used to believe I could be happy doing anything, as long as I had a fulfilling life outside of work. This may be partially true still, but I don't WANT that anymore, it's not enough. I want to like what I'm doing, at least a little. I guess what it boils down to, is I don't want to be part of the problem, the infamous, vague problem that affects every unfulfilled person in the world.

I need out. I wish there was some way of temporarily cutting off communication with everyone you know, without hurting anyone's feelings. But nothing important is ever easy.