Yet, I find myself constantly on the defensive. I am always reacting to numb myself, to keep my defenses high. It's become a natural reaction. I don't even think about it; it's not a conscious decision I'm making.
I hate that. this. This isn't who I want to be. I want to let people in, in a genuine way. I do let people in, but only in a practiced way. Except when I'm drunk. And then neither of us know what the fuck is going on. the last time we got drunk together I ended up sobbing. I don't even know why. I must have blacked out at some point. I remember being in bed, kissing. Then it jumps and we're still in bed but I'm crying and he's asking me why. I don't know what happened or why I started. That's how high my defenses are. Apparently I don't even fucking let myself in unless I'm trashed.
I want to work on this. But I don't even really know how. It's so automatic that I don't even realize when I start doing it. I'm just constantly defensive, and it must be so exhausting for him. Which only makes it worse. I'm so convinced at any moment he's going to realize I'm not as fun as he thought, and I'm not all that worth it. I'm too much work, maybe a little crazy. And then god forbid I be on the losing side. God forbid I get hurt or feel anything even mildly unpleasant. Well, fuck, I've already lost; THIS is unpleasant. I don't like how I feel out of control of my own brain, my own reactions. This is certainly worse. Hurting myself from the inside, self-sabotaging. That's certainly worse than getting hurt from the outside.
Goddamnit. I need to figure out how to work on this. How to catch myself and stop the crazy derailed train of thought that fuels it.
I need to like myself.
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