Like Ebert, I never really felt loneliness and never really do. I enjoy being alone. I like reading, being in cities by myself, going into coffee shops by myself. I enjoy these things, and I remember Troy telling me many times how lonely he'd feel, and I never really understood that.
But then I think about my dreams and wonder if there's not some deep fear of loneliness somewhere inside me. The worst dreams I've ever had aren't scary by any typical definition. They don't involve monsters or gore or wreckage of any physical kind. Instead, they are the dreams where my friends despise me for no reason I know of, and there is nothing I can do about it.
This causes an upset in my self-perception. I don't think I really care very much about what most people think about me. But, if the feelings from my dream are any indication, I need acceptance, even if only from a select few. The only times I can recall feeling complete loneliness is from those dreams. Or was that even loneliness? It was also hopelessness, desperation; are those just elements of loneliness?
Perhaps I have felt loneliness and simply labeled it as something else. Emotions are funny things.
I remember, in younger years, imagining up these romantic scenarios. I never minded being single, but I still dreamed of these wildly romantic meetings. It was never with desperation or longing, is the weird thing. It just seemed nice.
Now, the weird thing is, when I think of what these encounters looked like, it seems like I was often being "saved," in some way. I'd be walking or sitting alone in the rain, or in my own world reading a book or writing or listening to music. And along would come some guy (I never even really imagined what he would look like or sound like or say), and he would just fall in love with me, on the spot, and know I was the one for him. The little fantasy never went anywhere else. I don't recall any specific words ever being exchanged, no montage of our courtship or future together. That was it.
And then there's reality, and in most cases, I am the savior rather than the saved. I seek out those that are alone, sad, broken. I don't really understand myself.
I love songs about loneliness. Pure, hopeless loneliness. I can't explain this.
It seems I am in constant contradiction, which is in accordance with a lot of communication theories, so I guess it's supposed to be natural, but god is dissonance irritating.
