Commitment

Well, I've really been struggling with pressure lately. I feel like I'm being pulled in several directions and none of them feel "right," to me. But I've gotten myself to a point where I'm so confused, I don't know if I'd know right if it slapped me in the face.

I have two men that love me and are willing to fight off my demons if it means being with me. And I feel like shit about this, because I don't feel I deserve either one of them, really, but I feel I owe it to them to pick one, or some bullshit like that. And I couldn't figure out why this was such a problem for me.

But maybe the simple truth of the matter is, I'm not ready to commit. I've been saying this, calling myself a committophobe while talking with my friends. But I say it like it's a bad thing. Is it really so bad, just not being ready to commit? Or is it natural and okay? I'm only 22, for chrissake.

I guess what I fear is that later on, down the line, I'll look back with regret at my immaturity. Maybe I'm saying "not ready to commit" because it's easier to swallow than "scared to commit" because I'm afraid I'll let someone down.

well, how the hell should i know?"