Here I am, baby

Well, here I am, indeed. Nearly 23 and I'm 'doing it.' I'm living in Chicago, I got the job I wanted, I'm making friends and a new relationship. I'm living. How wonderful and terrifying.

This relationship business: whew, always a struggle for me. This guy, if he's telling the truth, he's completely head over heels for me. His roommate says so, too. He wrote two songs about me. He said the L word pretty quick. Initially, it all seemed at least slightly ridiculous to me. I just don't fall that fast.

Then I started falling.

He's just this incredible musician. He's experimental and takes these interesting risks and he's just outright talented. I mean, really good. I never say these things lightly. He's the most interesting and talented musician I know in real life. Some of his stuff really reminds me of early Animal Collective. That sounds totally pretentious on my part but he really is great.

He just has this really interesting mind - I can't figure it out. He's so genuine and yet talented in like a million different ways. Besides music he also is way into theater. He acts, directs, and writes plays. I haven't gotten to know too much about that, but I'm certainly interested. He's had an ongoing book that's apparently huge at this point.

Speaking of books, he is so well read and intelligent, it's absurd. All this - and he's completely NICE. Like, really nice. Genuinely kind and thoughtful with everyone he meets.

There has got to be some enormous flaw I'm missing but I haven't seen it yet, and now I'm getting into trouble.

Meanwhile, Tony's trying to talk to me again. Part of me feels some sort of loyalty to him - like I shouldn't just cut him off. But another part of me tells me it'd be the best thing for both of us. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

But it's not even 7am yet. I need to go back to sleep. It's Saturday for chrissake.

This weekend, we went up to Leinie's Lodge, explored Chippewa Falls, and camped up there. It was a really good time and we had fun.

Last night was just fucking stupid. We were all drinking our canned Leinie's, having a good time, getting drunk. After everyone was leaving, I decided to lie down, as I was drunk & tired. Tony went out to get something from the car and when he came back, I was falling asleep. Oh, and also, I supposedly said something as he was leaving the apartment, which he assumed was me saying something bad about him... out loud... to myself. wtf. So he got all upset and started this CRAZY fight. I just wanted to sleep. Escalated on and on until he said it was over, demanded the money I owed him, and told me to call a friend and kicked me out. All over what, I didn't even know.

I wasn't about to try to reason with crazy, since I already had tried and my efforts proved futile. So I packed my shit, called Tessa, and went outside. Of course then he comes out trying to get me to call her back and tell her not to come, telling me to come inside and lay down, apologized for being wrong but said "Please don't make me do this," referring to breaking up. As if I was making him do anything! HE was being the crazy one, here. The way he changed directions every two minutes was just beyond me. He didn't understand why I wouldn't just come inside and go to bed -- that struck me as just insanely manipulative. I wasn't about to act like everything was fine because he gave me an apology that seemed, to me, like it was just so we'd stop fighting - not because he realized how wrong he was. Tessa picked me up and I cried and slept there.

I went back in the morning because my car was in his garage and I knew we weren't actually over and needed to talk about what happened. We're fine now and I realize he was very drunk and all, but that doesn't come from no where. I can't help but be on my guard about it. I wanted to write this all out so that I can remember and look back if this kind of thing happens again. I don't want to be someone who makes excuses for erratic and somewhat abusive behaviors (calling me a bitch/crazy, kicking me out in the middle of the night, etc). Drunk or not, that's really fucking not cool or okay. He says he knows that and that things just snowballed because he was so drunk... He said he's not going to get stupid drunk like that anymore... But I'm not going to convince myself it's all rainbows and sunshine and that was an evil twin.

I love him a lot and he has SO many great qualities that I love. He is supportive in most every way, encouraging, loving, makes me genuinely laugh, wants to do real things and makes it happen, is committed, etc. I've been thinking long term with him, seeing as how we're coming up on a year, next month. So I don't want to jump to conclusions or break things off. But I want to hold myself accountable, too, if this is just the beginning of true colors showing. I've seen it happen to friends and I don't want it to happen to me. -sigh-

IRONY LOL

You know, I used to think not going to college would somehow imprison me in a bad life, but it seems like "getting an education" has just cemented me into exactly the kind of life I don't want -- working some shitty desk job, isolated in a cubicle, doing the same thing over and over, because I have to. Because I am in huge fucking debt.

I guess I could be wrong. Maybe I'll end up with some sweet job that challenges me and that I really enjoy. I'm just not counting on being that lucky.

bummer

I know weight loss is a process; a life-style change; it took a long time to get there, it'll take a long time to come off, blah blah blah, and for about a month or so, maybe even 2, I wasn't exactly flawlessly diligent. It's just a bummer to feel like I've already made the "life style change," I'm eating and exercising like a skinny person; but when I look in the mirror or feel my body, I'm still not that skinny person.

/bitching

Commitment

Well, I've really been struggling with pressure lately. I feel like I'm being pulled in several directions and none of them feel "right," to me. But I've gotten myself to a point where I'm so confused, I don't know if I'd know right if it slapped me in the face.

I have two men that love me and are willing to fight off my demons if it means being with me. And I feel like shit about this, because I don't feel I deserve either one of them, really, but I feel I owe it to them to pick one, or some bullshit like that. And I couldn't figure out why this was such a problem for me.

But maybe the simple truth of the matter is, I'm not ready to commit. I've been saying this, calling myself a committophobe while talking with my friends. But I say it like it's a bad thing. Is it really so bad, just not being ready to commit? Or is it natural and okay? I'm only 22, for chrissake.

I guess what I fear is that later on, down the line, I'll look back with regret at my immaturity. Maybe I'm saying "not ready to commit" because it's easier to swallow than "scared to commit" because I'm afraid I'll let someone down.

well, how the hell should i know?"

I know I don't know.

Love love love.....

the impossible mystery.

I've spoken the words to three. When I said them this time around, they had been bubbling up for weeks, sitting, waiting on my lips and the tip of my tongue. But were they untrue? I don't think so... It's the ideal love bit that confuses.

I don't know what this is.

We got in our first BIG fight last night.... It was awful. I cried a lot. And he said things that I couldn't believe. After all of it, when apologizing, he said they were stupid things to say, and that he was just confused and bad at verbal communication. To tell the truth, I don't know if those explanations are good enough for me. I'm giving the benefit of the doubt this time, but I still can't help but feel different. Detached. I guess this is pretty like me. I let myself become vulnerable, on purpose, and then I got hurt, just like I was afraid I would. So now I'm closing off.

And of course it got me thinking. How impractical our relationship is. How long do we expect this long distance thing to suffice? I think he's waiting for some imaginary time in which we'll be back together for an extended period of time, but I don't see that coming, unless one of us drastically changes our plans for the future. And I don't see either of us doing that. So where is this going?

And my biggest concern, yet, is this: my very thoughts. Now that I've begun thinking about these things, these things I've so skillfully ignored in favor of blind hope, I probably won't be able to turn them off. This is how the beginning of the end of my relationships always goes. I plant the seed and then it just slowly grows until I can't ignore it anymore.

I hope that's not the case this time...

I'm sure I'll be able to go back to ignoring it for a time. I'll be busy with things, it'll be convenient to forget. But inevitably the thoughts will return, I'll be unable to ignore them, and I'll eventually have to do something about it. Should I bring it up with him? I don't know. God, so stupid.

loneliness

I just read Roger Ebert's blog post on loneliness and it got me thinking....

Like Ebert, I never really felt loneliness and never really do. I enjoy being alone. I like reading, being in cities by myself, going into coffee shops by myself. I enjoy these things, and I remember Troy telling me many times how lonely he'd feel, and I never really understood that.

But then I think about my dreams and wonder if there's not some deep fear of loneliness somewhere inside me. The worst dreams I've ever had aren't scary by any typical definition. They don't involve monsters or gore or wreckage of any physical kind. Instead, they are the dreams where my friends despise me for no reason I know of, and there is nothing I can do about it.

This causes an upset in my self-perception. I don't think I really care very much about what most people think about me. But, if the feelings from my dream are any indication, I need acceptance, even if only from a select few. The only times I can recall feeling complete loneliness is from those dreams. Or was that even loneliness? It was also hopelessness, desperation; are those just elements of loneliness?

Perhaps I have felt loneliness and simply labeled it as something else. Emotions are funny things.

I remember, in younger years, imagining up these romantic scenarios. I never minded being single, but I still dreamed of these wildly romantic meetings. It was never with desperation or longing, is the weird thing. It just seemed nice.

Now, the weird thing is, when I think of what these encounters looked like, it seems like I was often being "saved," in some way. I'd be walking or sitting alone in the rain, or in my own world reading a book or writing or listening to music. And along would come some guy (I never even really imagined what he would look like or sound like or say), and he would just fall in love with me, on the spot, and know I was the one for him. The little fantasy never went anywhere else. I don't recall any specific words ever being exchanged, no montage of our courtship or future together. That was it.

And then there's reality, and in most cases, I am the savior rather than the saved. I seek out those that are alone, sad, broken. I don't really understand myself.

I love songs about loneliness. Pure, hopeless loneliness. I can't explain this.

It seems I am in constant contradiction, which is in accordance with a lot of communication theories, so I guess it's supposed to be natural, but god is dissonance irritating.