the impossible mystery.
I've spoken the words to three. When I said them this time around, they had been bubbling up for weeks, sitting, waiting on my lips and the tip of my tongue. But were they untrue? I don't think so... It's the ideal love bit that confuses.
I don't know what this is.
We got in our first BIG fight last night.... It was awful. I cried a lot. And he said things that I couldn't believe. After all of it, when apologizing, he said they were stupid things to say, and that he was just confused and bad at verbal communication. To tell the truth, I don't know if those explanations are good enough for me. I'm giving the benefit of the doubt this time, but I still can't help but feel different. Detached. I guess this is pretty like me. I let myself become vulnerable, on purpose, and then I got hurt, just like I was afraid I would. So now I'm closing off.
And of course it got me thinking. How impractical our relationship is. How long do we expect this long distance thing to suffice? I think he's waiting for some imaginary time in which we'll be back together for an extended period of time, but I don't see that coming, unless one of us drastically changes our plans for the future. And I don't see either of us doing that. So where is this going?
And my biggest concern, yet, is this: my very thoughts. Now that I've begun thinking about these things, these things I've so skillfully ignored in favor of blind hope, I probably won't be able to turn them off. This is how the beginning of the end of my relationships always goes. I plant the seed and then it just slowly grows until I can't ignore it anymore.
I hope that's not the case this time...
I'm sure I'll be able to go back to ignoring it for a time. I'll be busy with things, it'll be convenient to forget. But inevitably the thoughts will return, I'll be unable to ignore them, and I'll eventually have to do something about it. Should I bring it up with him? I don't know. God, so stupid.
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