today it was stronger

That urge to get out, today it was worse. I wanted to just walk off campus, into an airport, and onto a plane. Then I wanted to land somewhere, preferably somewhere with mild weather, and walk out of my body and into a new one.

Today, in my business writing class, which I hate, my professor reminded us of our assignment to find someone in a job we hope to one day have, and interview them. I stayed after class to ask him what to do if you have no idea what you want to do, because more and more, I'm realizing I really don't. He said, "Okay, what are you passionate about?" I said, "I don't know. I'm mediocre at a bunch of stuff and really good at nothing." He said, "I didn't ask what you were good at, I asked what you were passionate about." I told him I didn't know. I wasn't being difficult, I was being honest. He asked what I did on my off time. I said I liked to hang out with my friends. He asked what we did, I said we talked. He rattled off a couple of unappealing careers. He couldn't really come up with anything, told me to think about it and we'd talk again on Friday.

I went to the bathroom and cried. This is not anything new. This isn't something I haven't spent some serious time thinking about. I took a goddamn class on figuring out what you want to do with your life, and I'm still in this position. Lately, I've been thinking I'd be cool with working at a grocery store, honestly. Just scanning up groceries somewhere nice, like central or northern California, and then riding my bike, reading books, taking walks, hiking, going to the ocean when I'm off. That sounds divine.

I sort of feel like I don't really want people in my life. This is weird for me because for a while, my only passion I could identify was a passion for people, for loving them. I just feel I've been drained and now I don't know what to do with myself.

I certainly wouldn't quit school. I've only got the rest of this semester and one more year before graduation, and I'm in excellent academic standing. Though I have a feeling my 4.0 will wane this semester... I just can't bring myself to care as much anymore.

I had a passion for learning, before, but I finally broke down and started taking some "practical" classes (ie business classes) and I just can't give a fuck. I'm looking into study abroad next semester, but I have a feeling I'll be rejected as a senior. They'll likely tell me that I can't take the classes I need to graduate, while abroad.

I just feel horribly stuck.