I've had one truly meaningful relationship. The rest were fairly empty in the end. I was able to fill myself with the meaning of the other things I was doing. Learning, being a good person, basking in sunlight, listening to music.
Lately, I've been trying to put enough empty in me to fill me up. Filling up with alcohol, with smoke, with boys that mean nothing to me. As if it will set me free.
Learning has become empty. This semester, I was required to take two business classes. It's the most meaningless shit I've ever had the displeasure of being subjected to. And what's more, I have to practice it, as well. For what? A grade? It just does not seem worthwhile. I know I only have a couple weeks left in the semester, but I'm having so much trouble pressing on. I hate what I have to do for these classes, it's such a waste of time. It is the opposite of creativity. It is the opposite of meaning.
As for being a good person, I'm trying to get back there. I grew up understanding that it was important to be a good person because god commanded so, and he was the purpose of life. Now that I've become agnostic, I'm trying to grasp having my own meaning. It sounds like it should be easy, but when you've lost so much hope, it's just not.
Music is coming back to me. I'm falling in love with albums again. Which I think is a good sign. Maybe I'm learning how to rebuild myself again. It's just tough when I'm in the position I'm in. I have to finish out this semester even if it's hindering my personal growth.
In other news, he's breaking up with her. I don't know what to think, do, say. My roommate says it means something that he comes back to me every time he has a problem or breaks up with a girl. Maybe it just means I'm familiar. Or maybe it means he feels the thing I feel, too. I don't know. I don't know if it even matters right now, the timing would be off right now, anyways.
The thing is, this is the only thing that has consistently mattered to me. Feels so unfair. We won't be living in the same place. Our lives are so different now. "A bird may love a fish, but where will they live?" And maybe I am simply his friend. I can only know how it feels for me. And I know that when I went to meet him last week, I felt strange things in my stomach and a giddy nervousness. This is not the kind of thing I thought could transcend years. I'm overwhelmed and tired.
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